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Literature Text
You see bars, and you laugh
because you think everyone
is trapped inside a
cell, with mesh so close to
eyes that the wires are
rendered invisible.
So you try to flap
your wings, just to prove
something, some pointless
point that you're not trapped,
that you're flying free
and high.
But Icarus, remember
what happens when you fly too
high? When the heat gets too
close? When feathers glued
with wax disintegrate in midair?
Beware: it's you that's trapped
behind an eternal free-fall.
because you think everyone
is trapped inside a
cell, with mesh so close to
eyes that the wires are
rendered invisible.
So you try to flap
your wings, just to prove
something, some pointless
point that you're not trapped,
that you're flying free
and high.
But Icarus, remember
what happens when you fly too
high? When the heat gets too
close? When feathers glued
with wax disintegrate in midair?
Beware: it's you that's trapped
behind an eternal free-fall.
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A rough poem I knocked together for 
's 2014 Writing Tournament, Round One (of which the theme is 'Bird Cage'). How do you think I went? I've got until the 12th of Feb, so I've got some leeway in terms of editing/changing stuff. I'm not sure I like the last line...too abrupt I think. What do you reckon?
's 2014 Writing Tournament, Round One (of which the theme is 'Bird Cage'). How do you think I went? I've got until the 12th of Feb, so I've got some leeway in terms of editing/changing stuff. I'm not sure I like the last line...too abrupt I think. What do you reckon?As always, thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment. If you didn't, also please leave a comment (preferably telling me why you didn't like this — I need all the help I can get). 
© 2014 - 2024 BlakeCurran
Comments10
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactWell, indeed, I am glad to finally critique your work. First off, I do agree on your opinion on that last line. It feels out of place. It doesn't flow with the rest of the poem as the others.
Though, the rest of the poem is clear and self-explanatory.
You're mood of the poem provides an awesome impact and action in the poem. This really effects the originality of your poem. As on the vision and what you see, I pictured cages and chains. As well as prevention of freedom. This is very well done. Keep it up!
Sincerely
~Legolas